need you dream you find you taste you use you scar you fuck you break you

I had always read artists like Henry Rollins and Trent Reznor talk about the way it feels to come down off of a tour. They talked about the way days stretched in front of them and the overwhelming feeling like they cannot keep still. I'd always seen it as a Romanticization of the exhiliration of being on the road. I had always thought that the return home must be a welcome respite from the chaos and demands of touring.

Touring artists talk about the depression and malaise that sets in and I would wonder why this is. Now, after my year in school I have to say that I can sympathize with them.

I just finished a sprint through my first year in the Education program at the U of C. You can tell by the fact that my first post on this blog was in September, and now it's April and this is my second post, that I have had next to know time to sit down and write anything for a long time. My novel hasn't gained a single word since last August, my textbook hasn't gained a chapter since August. Hell, some of my friends on email haven't heard from me since August. The first semester was tolerably busy, but this past semester was insane. I haven't even had time to write daily letters to my wife who is in Taiwan right now. By the time my days ended I would be so tired that at times it was next to impossible to keep my eyes open when I was driving home from my practicum.

Every day was filled with marking, readings, research, writing, more marking, making lesson plans, reflection, journalling for class, more marking, teaching, more reflection, more readings, more marking, early classes, late nights, power drinks and large coffees.

I kept at a sprint with next to no sleep each night for at least the past month and a half. I even had a couple nights of 1-2 hours of sleep because of school work and stress.

But, now that's all done. I'm finished. No exams, no papers, nothing. I sit at home and I pace. I walk to check the mail 3-4 times before the mailman gets here. I look at my car and think I should go for a drive, but even that is just killing time for no reason. I read books, but I don't have the drive to keep going. I look at my upcoming work schedule and count down the time until it is time to get into my car and go to co-op to put crap on shelves.

I now can understand what it feels like for these artists. It's such a shock to the system. There is no cooldown period. It's just GOGO GOGOGOGOGO stop. There is a huge void of inactivity inside that is swallowing my drive. I will find it again, I'm sure, but for now I move through my days in cage of inactivity. I need something to do. Sudoku and crossword puzzles aren't gonna do it for me.

erase me